Chase your dreams…?

So hard to know…
I’ve been pondering this message a lot lately: “Chase your dreams.” AKA, pursue what you’re passionate about, do what you love, etc. So I get all inspired and ready to run off and pursue something I REALLY love and/or something that sounds amazing…and then I remember. This is real life. There are big picture goals that sometimes mean sacrificing things along the way. There are times you have to think of others instead of simply what you want to do.
So I’m torn between these two. I hear of opportunities that sound like more of what I want to do, or simply sound like amazing things I”ve dreamed about…but is it worth the risk and sacrifice of leaving where I’m at now? It would make changes for my family. It would require some hard decisions about the current degree I’m pursuing. It would mean giving up the security of a job and an education that is paid for. Those are things some people would kill for…could I really just give them up?
Now what do I do? Do I dream? Or do I stay firmly grounded where I’m at?

Soaring

I remember when we used to drive as a family west from Dallas/Ft. Worth on I-20. My daddy always talked about how he loved the wideness of Texas blue skies, I love I adopted. I would often watch the sky as my dad drove our family along that interstate. I would see birds fly over head. I watched them soar along, wings outstretched, winds carrying them effortlessly over us. I used to want to be like them.

When I was 14, I had my first bout of clinical depression. When I was 17, I began dealing with it off-and-on on a regular basis. Major depression, they told me. It was hard. Some days took so much effort to get through that giving up seemed easier. I used to feel like some of the birds I saw flying over TX I-20: flapping wings, struggling to rise above the wind that never stopped buffeting them. That’s how I felt. And I used to want to be like the birds I saw who could simply hold out their wings and soar, carried by the wind.

I am almost 24. I drove today to see my psychiatrist. For the first time in a long time, perhaps a couple of years, I am on 2 medicines instead of 5. I drove back home and saw a bird soaring over me. For the first time in a long time, perhaps ten years, I felt a little bit more like the bird that was soaring instead of the one that fought the winds.

Nice things that happened today:

  • I had a lovely drive to and from Ft. Worth for my appointment. I sang along loudly to the radio, grinning especially when my favorite songs came on.
  • I had a brief napĀ  in between getting home and work. I had a dream that would have made an awesome novel. When the kids from rec came to wake me up, I stumbled to work groggily. Watching Enchanted with them made me laugh and put me in a surprisingly happy mood for someone so tired.
  • I got to eat a Subway tuna sandwich, Cheetos, and Cherry Coke while watching three back to back Law and Order shows (CI, SVU, and original). A small moment that made my heart very content.