Regrets

Disclaimer: If you’re looking for a light, happy, superficial post or are not ready for some raw honesty, please do not read.

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Lately, it seems as though the struggles and demons from my past have a way of catching up with me.

I dealt with severe depression full-time since I was about 17. Only in the last year has it begun to be less constant, less every-day. It has affected me in more ways that I can say. I have learned a lot and changed a lot since then. I’m not who I was.

But who I was still catches up with me. Sometimes it’s in a relapse, such as a few days of a depressive episode of even in the form of self-injury. It’s been two years since I have cut myself seriously, but I have had my moments where it’s happened again on smaller-scales.

Sometimes it catches up in the form of consequences. I made many bad decisions while depressed and allowed things to happen that I should not have. I didn’t care or couldn’t care. I was desperate for some sort of escape. After a while it didn’t matter what happened to me anymore. On some level I suppose I thought I didn’t deserve any better.

I have learned now, though, that while I didn’t care what happened to me, I had now idea how it would affect me later. And it hurts most when I see it hurting the people I care about. And I have been reminded vividly of that in the last few days. I have seen both relapses and consequences hurt the people who love me. It breaks my heart. I want to run away and hide and take all my bad decisions with me. I want to hide in a cave where it’s just me and my regrets, where they are hidden and silent and cannot affect another person.

The only problem is that it’s not possible. And when you try, it just traps you in darkness with your regrets.

God has forgiven me. He has saved me from myself. I am being made new every day. But the past still lurks. I still have regrets. I still cry over what happened. And more than anything, I still have to figure out how to forgive myself…and hope that others do, too.

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6 thoughts on “Regrets

  1. I had been wondering how you were doing, it seems like people either wear their problems on their sleeves for everyone to see or hide them deep inside. There has to be a happy middle but I think it is very hard to find. Be to open and everyone is in your business but be too closed and you set yourself up to hide and deny those dark impulses, those sins… and then when you fall, as far as everyone but you knows your all-good, which makes you hide it deeper and deeper. It is tough, especially when you know it is something you will deal with for your entire life most likely.

    But remember this: Peter had a thorn in his flesh and God empowered him through it, it gave him perspective, it gave him vision I think… It humbled him just as this humbles you. You are not perfect, neither am I.. its not an excuse to give into those impulses but it is the truth.

    I think the toughest questions in my Christian walk has to deal with sin: How do I accept the fact that I will sin and am in the flesh without taking that grace for granted? How do I see sin as something vile while also knowing that it is going to be with me till Christ comes? I am praying for you my sister in Christ… Actually I have been praying for you about this even though you haven’t mentioned it, basically because usually I think we all have problems we will always deal with, ones that wont leave us, ones that show our weakness and also have the great opportunity to show Christs strength in and through us.

    May God grant you peace Katy,
    ~ Daniel

    p.s. – good blog

  2. thats one of the 3 reasons i came home from school in feb. did you know that?

    i know how to pray for you. i just prayed.

    smiles from someone who gets it.

    olivia

  3. Katy, I wanna hug you 😥 seeing I have a history in severe depression from 2 to 3 years ago as well, I so know how you feel to want escape, to really break down, to do things you should not and stall any development that should happen to you. I mean seriously, it’s why I have to repeat 2 semesters and follow extensive therapy in the first place.

    I like to see it as shaping yourself better, Katy. That you’re given a second chance and you owe it to yourself to make things better. I’m glad you realize that. Smaller breakdowns, regrets and sadness are okay as long as you don’t let them drown you again. I’m sure with the scary experiences you know how to deal with yourself better now, crying is okay as long as you pick yourself back up afterward.:)

  4. It’s my first time here, and I probably won’t have enough insight to really share on this topic…but I do believe that if someone starts owning up to their past, that the people around them should be there to help them move on. Those people around you that aren’t open minded enough to embrace you, they’re not worth your time. Surround yourself with people that understand and will be there as moral support for you.

  5. Pingback: Of all the topics I might choose « Katy’s Little Pencil

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