Disclaimer: If you’re looking for a light, happy, superficial post or are not ready for some raw honesty, please do not read.
Lately, it seems as though the struggles and demons from my past have a way of catching up with me.
I dealt with severe depression full-time since I was about 17. Only in the last year has it begun to be less constant, less every-day. It has affected me in more ways that I can say. I have learned a lot and changed a lot since then. I’m not who I was.
But who I was still catches up with me. Sometimes it’s in a relapse, such as a few days of a depressive episode of even in the form of self-injury. It’s been two years since I have cut myself seriously, but I have had my moments where it’s happened again on smaller-scales.
Sometimes it catches up in the form of consequences. I made many bad decisions while depressed and allowed things to happen that I should not have. I didn’t care or couldn’t care. I was desperate for some sort of escape. After a while it didn’t matter what happened to me anymore. On some level I suppose I thought I didn’t deserve any better.
I have learned now, though, that while I didn’t care what happened to me, I had now idea how it would affect me later. And it hurts most when I see it hurting the people I care about. And I have been reminded vividly of that in the last few days. I have seen both relapses and consequences hurt the people who love me. It breaks my heart. I want to run away and hide and take all my bad decisions with me. I want to hide in a cave where it’s just me and my regrets, where they are hidden and silent and cannot affect another person.
The only problem is that it’s not possible. And when you try, it just traps you in darkness with your regrets.
God has forgiven me. He has saved me from myself. I am being made new every day. But the past still lurks. I still have regrets. I still cry over what happened. And more than anything, I still have to figure out how to forgive myself…and hope that others do, too.