It’s fair to say I’ve been thinking about a lot lately. I think about the difficult last week I went through, with stress and hurt and painful decisions. I think about a relationship I had to lose. Most of all I think about all the staff and children around me who are dealing with the most painful loss of a relationship–the death of a loved one.
It’s been hard to know how to help right now. I’m a newcomer to the children’s home: I have only worked here a year while most have been here for many years, several over a decade. I grieve Malinda’s death, as little as I knew her–how much more must everyone else? And how can I be there for them, to help the staff and house parents in their responsibilities, to love the children and offer comfort? I wish I knew better.
I have hugged some of the girls while they’ve cried. I’ve heard several of them talk about what a great example Malinda was and how she helped them become who they are today. One girl wrote an especially poignant note about her “mother.” She said that her mother was supposed to help her pick out her wedding dress, to make her wedding cake for her. She wasn’t ready for her mother to be taken from her, she wrote, and now she feels lost. Pray I know how to love these girls who have truly lost a mother. I have found this situation pushing me back to the priorities and focuses I know I need to have in order to make a difference in these girls’ lives.
After my difficult day on Tuesday, I’ve gone back to sleepless nights. Hopefully I can reclaim a good sleep schedule soon. Tuesday night I fell asleep at 4 AM, and the following night I didn’t sleep till 6 AM. Last night I finally did sleep at 11, but I woke up off and on after 3 AM. So much keeps running through my mind:decisions made, losses, memories… Finally last night was I able to break down and truly cry about all that has happened the last several days. Fortunately I have also had the uplifting music of Hillsong United in their new album A_Cross//the_Earth: Tear Down the Walls. It’s a pretty-much-amazing album.
But I did have a good day today. I cleaned my apartment, got to chill watching TV, take a nap, and then spend six hours with very dear friends. I haven’t connected with several of them lately, and they truly are some of my closest friends. It was a fun evening with lots of laughing and making fun of each other because we were all so goofy. It was good for my heart.