Finding a voice

In my writing, I am seeking to find my “voice.” Can I get a little existential for a moment? I have to say: I think we’re ALL trying to find our voices.

ImageA voice is for speaking. It is for singing. It is for communicating. And honestly, it’s about communicating our selves. When I talk to friends, I use my voice to find out more about how they are and to share about how I am. We learn to use different tones of voice depending on how we are feeling, who we are talking to, and what situation we are in. I have a hard time getting angry at people—or at least angry enough to show it in my voice, in my words. But sometimes finally I am so emotional that it comes OUT—

Ah.

There it is.

My voice.

So perhaps in trying to discover my voice—in you trying to discover your voice—we must find what evokes strong emotion in us. The strongest emotions are the ones that refuse to be unspoken.

And it is a beautiful thing, to speak. To share. To have a voice.

I lost my voice for a while.

No, I didn’t literally lose the ability to speak. Or did I? Yes, I could still speak out loud. But I lost the ability to say MY words, MY thoughts, MY innermost feelings. I was afraid of judgment, of non-understanding, of being vulnerable and sharing my voice—my SELF—and having it glanced at, only to find it undeserving of attention. Still, the thought of sharing myself, and having others turn away from it, is terrifying. Unbearable. So sometimes I sit in quiet. I hide my words and my thoughts deep inside myself—because if they’re not seen, then they can’t be judged. No, *I* can’t be judged.

But is a lonely place, to sit in silence. With silence, there is no communication. Without communication, there is no relationship, no community. In being silent to avoid rejection from others, I found myself lonelier than I could have been with all the rejection I feared.

I don’t want to be afraid anymore. I want to find the emotions that make me speak up. I want to connect. I want to hear what others have to say, and I want to share what I have to say.

It’s time to find a voice.

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2 thoughts on “Finding a voice

  1. So glad you are finding your voice again! I struggled sometimes because we were in different cities but I could tell it was more than geographical distance, it was emotional distance. And me being the introvert I am.. well, I really cherish those friendships I have, so it almost felt like I lost a friend, though I knew you were there… you needed time and space, so I left you alone (well, for the most part, ha!).

    I’ve covered my tracks being vulnerable online by having different blogs, ones that are more public and ones that are more private. While I dont think everyone needs to know all my business, I do still want to share and know there are people out there who want to hear and interact. Lots of my stuff about moving to Buffalo I didn’t make Public, just cause it has been such a big and emotional move (good and.. not bad.. scary at times? challenging?).

    I look forward to joining with you in your journey and hope you will once again join me in my own as well!

    Oh, and just so we are clear… excellent post! :)

    • Thanks Daniel! You have been kind to stick with me through my writing journey. It is always a balance and struggle to know how much to share online, but it IS a journey, and experimenting and failing and trying again are all part of that journey. Let’s keep on traveling. :)

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