Being real, part 2

I’ve been meaning to follow up to my first Being Real post and let you know where I’m at. Well, I am back home in Texas now. My time at the counseling center was very helpful to me. I learned a lot about myself, if sometimes painfully. But it was a good experience that definitely began a lot of healing.

That said, I am not back to 100% yet. My mood is not completely stable and is usually low(er). I still have a fair bit of anxiety. I have not been able to get back into my current job yet. I’m still working my program, trying to read several books, and continuing to heal from the latest depressive episode. I am looking to the future and trying to figure out God’s next steps for me, a day at a time.

My grandmother suggested today that I would one day write a book about dealing with depression. I would love to (mostly because I’ve always dreamed of being an author), but I know it would be a big challenge. But I’m just throwing it out there, because if you have any thoughts on what you’d be interested in reading on that topic, I would love to know.

I don’t quite know how to tell you where I am. I’m so much better than I was. The days are not so dark, the anxiety is not as terrifying. And yet I know I still have so far to go. It’s been so long since I’ve been at 100% that I’m not even sure what it looks like. But I’m aiming for it–not for perfection, but for wholeness.

I read an amazing book, A Million Miles in a Thousand Years by Don Miller.  It fits perfectly with my last post, because it talks about story. And I’ve determined that I want to live in a great story, one bigger than myself. In the end, my story will not be about depression; but it will be about redemption. I’m trusting the Redeemer to write my story, the kind of story He does best: the one where all things are made new.

100th Post – Living a Better Story

I had a conversation with a good friend of mine the other night. He was speaking about his sadness over a person who, as he put it, was “stuck on making rules instead of encouraging people to live a better story.”

Those words reached out and grabbed me.

I was particularly fascinated by the words “encouraging people to live a better story.” I found this tied in quite nicely with To Write Love on Her Arm’s words about “I am living a story,” and “your story matters.” Have we thought about the fact that we are living a story? And if we are, what do we want our story to be? What do we want our story to say?

My friend further elaborated on an idea he’s been pursuing in his own life, of taking the phrase “I want to be the kind of person who _________________,” and using it to build out who he wants to be. He went on to example, “If I want to be the kind of person who volunteers his time generously, then what do I need to do about that?”

It made me stop and ponder my own life. What kind of person do I want to be? If I were writing my story, how would I write out the next few chapters? What will it look like?

I am reading a fabulous book right now (at least, fabulous 6 chapters into it). I love fantasy books, particularly because there are no limits. What if we set ourselves into “fantasy writing mode” and wrote our story with no limits? No I’m not saying we could all design super-powers for ourselves (if we could, I’d have dibs on flying), but what if we took away the boundaries of some of our believed-lies and self-doubt and REALLY LIVED?

I want to find out what my story looks like. I want to find out what it means to live. I hope you do, too.

9/11 – It Is Well With My Soul

I hesitate to write a post on 9/11. Almost every other blog, news station, or tv/radio channel will have some memorial, some commentary. You can find a million other thoughts to read or hear about on the 10th anniversary of 9/11. Why add mine to the mix?

I don’t honestly know. But I’m going to.

Every person who remembers 9/11 has “that place.” It’s “that place” where they first heard, first saw, first understood what was happening. For me, it was during AP U.S. History homework in my junior year of high school. I was desperately trying to finish an assignment that was due, all the while unaware that U.S. history was being made. At first when I glanced at the tv my mom was watching, all I saw at first was a building seemingly on fire. It took a while before I realized what building it was and why fire and smoke were streaming out of it. All else faded as I realized the magnitude of what had happened.

It’s now ten years later. It’s almost criminal of me to try to put words to all the pain that happened on that day and the decade to follow. I simply cannot. I cannot offer words to those who lost loved ones one that day and in the days that came. I can only offer something I’ve been thinking of lately.

During this own time of struggling with depression in my own life, I have thought of the song “It Is Well With My Soul.” I’ve often wondered how someone could sing a song like that in the midst of life’s darkest hours. How could one’s soul be “well” with terrible things happening? What I finally realized was this: the song is not about being “ok” in the midst of terrible things. It is about being made right with God. The only way it can be well with my soul is when my soul is made well, right, whole, and holy before God. And it can only be done in one way: through Jesus Christ.

Whatever your pain is, whatever your moment with 9/11 was, I offer you the question: is it truly well with your soul? We don’t have to be “ok” with what happened. We don’t even have to have peace about it. But I pray you have the greatest peace of all–knowing that you believe in Jesus Christ, who died a death for YOU…to make your soul well before God.

Being real

I’ve been considering blogging again/more. (I once read that the cardinal rule of blogging is to never talk about lack of blogging or about renewed efforts/decision to blog more, but there you go.) I knew that if I were to really, honestly blog, it might involve a large amount of honesty and “being real.” I wondered if I was ready for that. In the past it was so much easier to be real about my struggles, and I’m not sure if age and wisdom or fear has tempered that. But here I am, and I thought I’d give it a shot.

I’ve had another recent run-in with my old friends, depression and anxiety. The collision was to the point that I had to withdraw from another semester of school and temporarily pull out of my job on unpaid sick leave. I have now spent two weeks at a Christian counseling center in CA, getting more intensive and concentrated help to overcome the depression and anxiety. It’s been hard; it’s been grueling. Most days I’m exhausted from the work and the therapy. But there you go, and here I am.

I used to talk a lot more online about my depression punctuated by bouts of anxiety. Again, I’m not sure what has tempered that more as the years have gone by. But one thing I still believe is that open and honest conversation about these kinds of things can help erase some of the stigma associated with it. It can help others open up about their own struggles; it can help us feel less alone. So I’m writing and letting you know what I’m going through. I hope that if you’re struggling, it will help you know you’re not alone. I hope if you know someone who’s struggling, you might be encouraged to reach out and offer to be a listening ear. And wherever you are, I hope that it helps us all realize that we don’t have to let fears or stigma define us. Real is real. Let’s be real, and maybe we’ll all end up a little better for it.

And most of all, I need to say that God is faithful. No matter what, God is faithful in ALL things. Always.

Rightly worded

Maybe I could write. I mean, really write. Maybe I could write something good, or worthy, or worthwhile. Maybe I could find the ways to fit the letters and words together in a manner that touches the human spirit. Words unite us; emotions unite us; and words that evoke emotions make us realize just how united we are. Mankind, humanity…we are all driven and shaped by words and emotions. The times happen to us, but add the right word, feel it the right way, and we become more powerful than we could dream. We can conquer our circumstances if we put the right words to it. Put the wrong words to it–or worse, let the circumstance speaks words to you–and it can be destructive. But when we shape ourselves with rightly, truthfully worded thoughts, we are unstoppable.

Ready for it to be done

I’m not gonna lie: it’s hard. And a lot of times I wish I was someone other than “me.”

I get really tired of depression. I get really tired of fighting it, and fighting anxiety. I’m tired of the pain in my chest when I sit panicked by the world.

Please just leave me alone.

I want to get better. I really do. And I try, and I fail, and I take more medicines, and I pray that they work.

My chest hurts so bad right now. It kills me to sit here every minute. I just want it over with. I’m ready for it to be gone.

It hurts, and it makes me want to cry. I’m ready for it to be done.

I just want to be normal, but I know that everyone hurts. Everyone hurts. But they’re not the ones sitting here in a battle that’s gone on for weeks. They don’t have to count the number of days since they broke their own skin for blood. Or maybe some of them do. But if they do, they’re like me — they know the pain, they’re tired of the war. We’re ready for it to be done.

One day it will end — hallelujah! Praise the Lord! Praise Him for the day that will come where sorrow will be no more. Every tear wiped dry, every eye clear, every heart glad. I can praise Him for that.

But for now, I sit here…and the pain in my chest just aches.

I’m ready for it to be done.

Chase your dreams…?

So hard to know…

I’ve been pondering this message a lot lately: “Chase your dreams.” AKA, pursue what you’re passionate about, do what you love, etc. So I get all inspired and ready to run off and pursue something I REALLY love and/or something that sounds amazing…and then I remember. This is real life. There are big picture goals that sometimes mean sacrificing things along the way. There are times you have to think of others instead of simply what you want to do.

So I’m torn between these two. I hear of opportunities that sound like more of what I want to do, or simply sound like amazing things I”ve dreamed about…but is it worth the risk and sacrifice of leaving where I’m at now? It would make changes for my family. It would require some hard decisions about the current degree I’m pursuing. It would mean giving up the security of a job and an education that is paid for. Those are things some people would kill for…could I really just give them up?

Now what do I do? Do I dream? Or do I stay firmly grounded where I’m at?

Touch keyboards and God

I just recently got my very first smartphone. I’ll admit, it took me a while to get used to the on-screen touch keyboard. At first I was convinced that my thumbs/fingers were too big, because I kept hitting the wrong key. Thankfully, although I despaired of it briefly, my accuracy has improved; and most of the time I’ll type what I mean.

Occasionally, however, especially as I was learning, I hit the totally wrong letters on my keyboard. The wonderful thing, I discovered, was that the keyboard was already pre-programmed to recognize likely mis-typings. By that, I mean if I typed “aing,” the keyboard knew it wasn’t quite a word and would suggest that maybe I meant “sing” (especially since A and S are next to each other on keyboards). So even when I typed a word completely wrong, often I would have the correct word automatically inserted. If not, I could choose the closest match I meant from a list.

I started realizing my keyboard was showing me some things about God. Sometimes in my life, I try really hard to live (or for our analogy, “type”) things the right way. But let’s be honest: I’m clumsy, and I often just keep messing it up. It’s amazing, though, how God takes my “mis-spelled” efforts and brings them about to be the “word” I meant all along. Other times, I have to be paying attention to my keyboard and choosing the right “word” to insert it, so it’s not always automatic. But all that to say, the grace of God is so great, that He will often fix my “spelling” for me on life’s efforts. In my clumsy efforts, I’ll mean one thing, “type” it wrong–but God sees my heart and helps turn it out right.

Don’t get me wrong. A lot of times I type a word on my phone so hopelessly misspelled that the right one can’t be inserted. Or sometimes it’s not recognized as a word at all. And this is not a perfect metaphor. But mostly now texting on the phone reminds me that God is so good to take my hopeless, jumbled, mis-spelled efforts and somehow still get the right “word” in there, even despite me.

My Birthday

26. I am now 26. Crazy. Kinda feels like 25. Except I know it’s moving me into the latter half of my twenties. And that brings me back to “crazy.”

Today’s been an amazing day! I’m so thankful. I’ve had such happiness, gratitude, and joy. My parents texted bright and early to wish me a happy birthday. My friends/co-workers at DBU have made my day truly amazing. From gifts to hugs, to Chik-Fil-A lunches and cake, it’s been amazing. I really wish I could tell you how wonderful each one of them is, and how special they have made my day.

My sister has exclaimed all day about my birthday and how, for this one day, I get to be four years older than she is this year. We’re going to see a movie tonight after work also. She is amazing. She loves me more than most ever could, and she’s the reason I’ve made it this far. I adore her. It will be my joy to celebrate her birthday tomorrow, too.

After several weeks of deeper depression, I have been blessed to feel happy on my birthday. Thank you, Lord. It’s a beautiful gift.

In response to my last birthday wish post, I know of at least four women who have donated to Mercy Ministries in honor of my birthday. I’m SO thankful for that. The young women at Mercy deserve hope and healing; thank you to the women who helped contribute to that, including Catlin and Rachel.

In response to a my selfish birthday wish Tweet, I got a direct message from Jamie Tworkowski, founder of TWLOHA and a true hero of mine, that wished me a happy birthday. It’s one of the coolest things to happen to me today. AND shortly after that, Renee Yohe just followed me on Twitter. If you don’t know, she’s the story and inspiration behind To Write Love On Her Arms, or the “HER” in that title. I’m still floored. She’s been such a huge inspiration in my life.

So, I’m 26. My friends and family are amazing. I bought a birthday dress to wear today, and I felt pretty. My God gave me the blessed gift of life and happiness today.  So all in all…it’s a “crazy” day, in the very best way.

For My Birthday

Do you remember the days that you counted down to your birthday? Well, I’m in something of a count-down now, as my birthday is next week. You may or may not have planned on giving me a birthday present, but I’d like to ask a small one of you.

I love Mercy Ministries. They are a program who take in young women free of charge for 6 months to help provide care for those who deal with eating disorders, unplanned pregnancies, self-harm, depression, etc. (For more info on what they do, click this link.) This is the kind of organization I would love to work for one day. At one point in my life, I could have attended this place. For my birthday, I ask that you go to THIS PAGE to donate in honor of my birthday. It can literally be any amount, from $1-$5, or $20, or more. So if you planned on giving me a birthday gift, please do it this way. If you didn’t, please consider giving even a small amount. This would be the most amazing gift I could receive for my birthday, to know that countless girls could be helped to find healing and wholeness from your gifts.

If you give, please leave a comment, or tell me on Facebook or Twitter. I want to thank you for considering this gift that will mean the world to me on my birthday.

On the In Honor of… page, you can simply list the occasion as “Katy’s Birthday” and list the name as “Katy Helena.”

PS: This post and request is also inspired by my other favorite organization, To Write Love on Her Arms, for all the ways they pay it forward to people fighting for hope and healing. If you’d prefer to donate to them or buy yourself a shirt for my birthday, I’ll take that as well.