Because I can

Welcome everyone, it’s time for my weekly blog post!

Oh wait. I haven’t written in, like, 3 weeks.

Hmmm…

Well, I do have some reasons (like a trip to Georgia) why I haven’t been able to keep up as regularly as I wanted these past couple of weeks. But in the midst of trying to figure out a good explanation to post for why I haven’t been writing, and trying to figure out what to write about in the first place, I came up with this conclusion:

I write because I can. Because I love it. Yes, it would be awesome if I weekly wrote amazing, profound, witty blog posts that tons of people read. But honestly, I probably won’t. I’ll have the weeks (like lately) when I don’t keep up with my goal of writing one post a week. I’ll have the weeks where I have no idea what to write.

But hey, I started a blog because I like writing. And it’s a place for me to write and to be real. So I’m probably not going to write a lot of “perfect” posts. Some of these are probably going to be disjointed and random and may not make much sense. But I’ve decided, I’m just gonna throw all of the expectations out the window, throw myself into the writing, and just use this blog as a place to be REAL. Because I can.

So here’s my random post. It’s not written on my weekly schedule. It probably doesn’t make much sense, and it is definitely all over the place. But guess what? It’s something I got to WRITE. It’s a place I got to be REAL. And writing, and being real, and being me, and discovering myself through blogging…those are kinda priceless. If people enjoy taking that journey with me, that’s great. If you’re one of those, come on and enjoy the ride. Just be warned it may not always be predictable, regular, or expected.

‘Cause I’m not either.

Thank you for reading my random thoughts. Thanks for putting up with this post. I hope you come back for more.

P.S. I dyed my hair auburn today.

I don’t have the words.

I saw this on Twitter:

It is confirmed that @sully_2003 (Alex Sullivan) was killed last night in #Aurora. It was his 27th birthday. He was a husband & beloved son.

— HopeMob (@hope) July 21, 2012

I went to Alex’s Twitter page. This was the last tweet:

#TheDarkKnightRises @Reel_Nerdsoh man one hour till the movie and its going to be the best BIRTHDAY ever

— alex sullivan (@sully_2003) July 20, 2012

I cried. He was my age. I tweeted this:

Just read the last tweet of a 27yr old man killed in Aurora. He was so excited 2 c the movie; said it would be the best birthday ever. I…

— Katy Parks (@katyhelena) July 21, 2012

…can’t tell you how much that makes my heart ache. Praying with tears for his family and all affected by this terrible tragedy.

— Katy Parks (@katyhelena) July 21, 2012

Writing about anything else this week seemed too trivial. Writing about the tragedy itself…well, I found out I don’t have the words.

For more information on the 2012 Aurora shooting, click this link.
For solid ways to help the victims and families, consider donations through HopeMob.org.

Memories

So my sister and I are with my parents right now, helping them move into their new house. In the process, we are going through all the boxes and closets that have been closed and packed up for years. I’m constantly coming across things I had forgotten about or thought I might never see again. Here are a few things I’ve found:

*The small bear named Harris that was given to me the day I was born over 27 years ago.

*The Pooh Bear I got at age 3 who is now so old it’s hard to tell that he’s yellow.

*The little white and blue pajamas that I put on my favorite doll, Josh.

*The old cleats that I wore for countless, sweaty hours on the soccer field I loved so much.

*The purple, off-the-shoulder dress I wore to my 11th grade Junior-Senior Banquet that made me feel like a princess.

*Five (THICK) journals filled with writing of my life from age 18-20, exclaiming over each joy and despairing with each misery.

*A ton of clothes from my two super-skinny years at college (let’s avoid present comparisons to those years, shall we?).

I don’t think we can count our memories by the “stuff” we have, but it’s hard to look at old stuff without having all those memories come flooding back to you. Some of those memories are joyful, some are painful, and some forever define you. Either way, those memories make us who we are.

Let’s chat: if you unpacked your closet of memories, what things might you find?

“Kindred Spirits, Always” (In Which I Discover How Much I Need Friends)

Well I had promised you a post today, and I even had one in mind that I wanted to write about. (Maybe I still will, and you can see it next week or maybe even get two posts in one week.) But it didn’t get written because I fell asleep and took a long nap. So originally I decided I would write it tomorrow, but since I’m lying in bed and can’t sleep yet, I decided I might write a different post from my phone (thanks WordPress app).

Tonight I am especially thankful for my friends. I’ve kind of gone through a rough depressive episode over the last few months, and I dealt with it by withdrawing from almost everyone but my immediate family. Maybe I needed that time completely to myself, but now I regret dropping out of the lives of so many that I cared about. Perhaps it could have made things easier if I was connecting with people the way I should have. We weren’t meant to do life alone, but in my dark days, I was trying to.

Slowly over the last month I have begun to reconnect with people and friends, whether that’s online on Facebook, by finally shooting them a text again, or starting to hang out once more. Friends are important, and they are a gift. I want to learn to be more real with them, to allow them to support me in my struggles and that they can let me support them as well.

It is worth learning to let people in. It’s worth learning to trust them, to trust they won’t run away when things get hard. Some of them really do want to be there for you no matter what…let’s learn to let them. And to be thankful for them.

I finally texted one of my dearest friends tonight after being silent for a few months, feeling so guilty for neglecting such a special friendship. I asked her to forgive me. She responded right away, starting with “Precious Katy…” and sweet forgiving words of love. She ended “Let’s catch up more soon ok? I love you… We are kindred spirits always.”

Her sweet response drew me to tears. That’s what I’m so thankful for: the blessing and gift of unconditional friendships and love. May we seek to be that, to cultivate it, and to hold onto it as we treasure it always.

Thank you to the friends who have always been there for me. You know who you are. I love you and am thankful for you.

“To live a creative life…”

For a while, I forgot I had a Pinterest. Yes I signed up way-back-when when all my girl friends were first getting on it; I pinned a few things and promptly forgot about it. After all, I wasn’t really very good at the DIY (Do It Yourself) projects, crafts, wedding planning, or cooking stuff that all my friends seemed to be so zealous about sharing.

And then I read this post by Jeremy Cowart. When I looked at the type of boards he had, I thought, “Hmm…that looks more like something I could do.”

So I went back to my account on Pinterest. I was planning on writing today, but then I got caught up in this totally different kind of creative expression. I began thinking about the kinds of things I liked. I didn’t have all the “crafts and cooking” boards my friends loved, but I could post about books, music, quotes, dance, cool photos, art, travel, and other interests I had. I even have a board that just shows random things about me. And in the process, I even found myself pinning about home decor, clothes, hair, and other things I never thought I’d be into! (Who knows, maybe I’ll start a crafts or cooking board yet.)

I spent most of the afternoon thinking about my creative interests and how to express them. While I didn’t get around to any of the writing I had planned, I did get a chance to put some thoughts into another creative outlet: Pinterest. And guess what? However you do it, it’s fun to express yourself.

If you were creating a collage of your life, loves, and interests, what would it look like? I challenge you to find new ways to show off your inner self!

Let’s talk: What do you think of Pinterest? What’s your best medium for creative expression? Leave comments, and let us know!

Also, if you’re on Pinterest and want to share your creativity, feel free to leave your profile link in the comments for us to check out!

Slow Blogging

Golly. It has been forever since I wrote a post.

Bet you’d thought I fell off the ends of the earth. (Or that I’d simply stopped blogging. Either one.)

Well, I read this post on “slow blogging” the other day, and decided that slow blogging was better than no blogging. So I’m now making it my goal to, once a week, write a post. (I know this announcement is super-exciting to the two of you who occasionally still remember I once had a blog.) I’m even considering doing a once-a-week post on my writing blog again.

Because that’s another piece of news for you. I’m trying to start writing. I’ve been thinking and dreaming and reading about writing for a good while now, and I just started a piece of fiction yesterday. I managed to write 3.5 thousand words, which made me feel rather good, and I just knew I’d churn out a novel in no time.

Today, I’ve managed 215 words, and am now pondering if I shouldn’t delete that whole scene after all.

But I’ve decided that if I want to be a writer, I must truly WRITE. Even if it’s all a load of nonsense and never any good and no one ever sees it. I have dreamed of being a writer for most of my life, and dang-it-all if I’m not going to give it a shot. So I’ll probably be blogging about that process here, also.

(If you’re interested, “How to Write a Novel” by Tahereh Mafi is one of the funniest, most awesome things I’ve ever read. Love it. Go read it.)

Also, I have been reading a heck of a lot lately. If you’re on Goodreads, look me up.

Finally, if you’re one of those two people who would love to know what I’m doing in between weekly blogs, you can always catch me on Twitter (much more than on Facebook).

Thanks! See you next week.

Being real, part 2

I’ve been meaning to follow up to my first Being Real post and let you know where I’m at. Well, I am back home in Texas now. My time at the counseling center was very helpful to me. I learned a lot about myself, if sometimes painfully. But it was a good experience that definitely began a lot of healing.

That said, I am not back to 100% yet. My mood is not completely stable and is usually low(er). I still have a fair bit of anxiety. I have not been able to get back into my current job yet. I’m still working my program, trying to read several books, and continuing to heal from the latest depressive episode. I am looking to the future and trying to figure out God’s next steps for me, a day at a time.

My grandmother suggested today that I would one day write a book about dealing with depression. I would love to (mostly because I’ve always dreamed of being an author), but I know it would be a big challenge. But I’m just throwing it out there, because if you have any thoughts on what you’d be interested in reading on that topic, I would love to know.

I don’t quite know how to tell you where I am. I’m so much better than I was. The days are not so dark, the anxiety is not as terrifying. And yet I know I still have so far to go. It’s been so long since I’ve been at 100% that I’m not even sure what it looks like. But I’m aiming for it–not for perfection, but for wholeness.

I read an amazing book, A Million Miles in a Thousand Years by Don Miller.  It fits perfectly with my last post, because it talks about story. And I’ve determined that I want to live in a great story, one bigger than myself. In the end, my story will not be about depression; but it will be about redemption. I’m trusting the Redeemer to write my story, the kind of story He does best: the one where all things are made new.

100th Post – Living a Better Story

I had a conversation with a good friend of mine the other night. He was speaking about his sadness over a person who, as he put it, was “stuck on making rules instead of encouraging people to live a better story.”

Those words reached out and grabbed me.

I was particularly fascinated by the words “encouraging people to live a better story.” I found this tied in quite nicely with To Write Love on Her Arm’s words about “I am living a story,” and “your story matters.” Have we thought about the fact that we are living a story? And if we are, what do we want our story to be? What do we want our story to say?

My friend further elaborated on an idea he’s been pursuing in his own life, of taking the phrase “I want to be the kind of person who _________________,” and using it to build out who he wants to be. He went on to example, “If I want to be the kind of person who volunteers his time generously, then what do I need to do about that?”

It made me stop and ponder my own life. What kind of person do I want to be? If I were writing my story, how would I write out the next few chapters? What will it look like?

I am reading a fabulous book right now (at least, fabulous 6 chapters into it). I love fantasy books, particularly because there are no limits. What if we set ourselves into “fantasy writing mode” and wrote our story with no limits? No I’m not saying we could all design super-powers for ourselves (if we could, I’d have dibs on flying), but what if we took away the boundaries of some of our believed-lies and self-doubt and REALLY LIVED?

I want to find out what my story looks like. I want to find out what it means to live. I hope you do, too.

9/11 – It Is Well With My Soul

I hesitate to write a post on 9/11. Almost every other blog, news station, or tv/radio channel will have some memorial, some commentary. You can find a million other thoughts to read or hear about on the 10th anniversary of 9/11. Why add mine to the mix?

I don’t honestly know. But I’m going to.

Every person who remembers 9/11 has “that place.” It’s “that place” where they first heard, first saw, first understood what was happening. For me, it was during AP U.S. History homework in my junior year of high school. I was desperately trying to finish an assignment that was due, all the while unaware that U.S. history was being made. At first when I glanced at the tv my mom was watching, all I saw at first was a building seemingly on fire. It took a while before I realized what building it was and why fire and smoke were streaming out of it. All else faded as I realized the magnitude of what had happened.

It’s now ten years later. It’s almost criminal of me to try to put words to all the pain that happened on that day and the decade to follow. I simply cannot. I cannot offer words to those who lost loved ones one that day and in the days that came. I can only offer something I’ve been thinking of lately.

During this own time of struggling with depression in my own life, I have thought of the song “It Is Well With My Soul.” I’ve often wondered how someone could sing a song like that in the midst of life’s darkest hours. How could one’s soul be “well” with terrible things happening? What I finally realized was this: the song is not about being “ok” in the midst of terrible things. It is about being made right with God. The only way it can be well with my soul is when my soul is made well, right, whole, and holy before God. And it can only be done in one way: through Jesus Christ.

Whatever your pain is, whatever your moment with 9/11 was, I offer you the question: is it truly well with your soul? We don’t have to be “ok” with what happened. We don’t even have to have peace about it. But I pray you have the greatest peace of all–knowing that you believe in Jesus Christ, who died a death for YOU…to make your soul well before God.

Being real

I’ve been considering blogging again/more. (I once read that the cardinal rule of blogging is to never talk about lack of blogging or about renewed efforts/decision to blog more, but there you go.) I knew that if I were to really, honestly blog, it might involve a large amount of honesty and “being real.” I wondered if I was ready for that. In the past it was so much easier to be real about my struggles, and I’m not sure if age and wisdom or fear has tempered that. But here I am, and I thought I’d give it a shot.

I’ve had another recent run-in with my old friends, depression and anxiety. The collision was to the point that I had to withdraw from another semester of school and temporarily pull out of my job on unpaid sick leave. I have now spent two weeks at a Christian counseling center in CA, getting more intensive and concentrated help to overcome the depression and anxiety. It’s been hard; it’s been grueling. Most days I’m exhausted from the work and the therapy. But there you go, and here I am.

I used to talk a lot more online about my depression punctuated by bouts of anxiety. Again, I’m not sure what has tempered that more as the years have gone by. But one thing I still believe is that open and honest conversation about these kinds of things can help erase some of the stigma associated with it. It can help others open up about their own struggles; it can help us feel less alone. So I’m writing and letting you know what I’m going through. I hope that if you’re struggling, it will help you know you’re not alone. I hope if you know someone who’s struggling, you might be encouraged to reach out and offer to be a listening ear. And wherever you are, I hope that it helps us all realize that we don’t have to let fears or stigma define us. Real is real. Let’s be real, and maybe we’ll all end up a little better for it.

And most of all, I need to say that God is faithful. No matter what, God is faithful in ALL things. Always.